This month, as we reflect on gratitude and what it means to give back, we’re reminded that one of the most powerful gifts we can offer our children is loving correction. The following reflection—shared by a longtime educator—offers wisdom from years of working with students and families. It’s a timely reminder that grace and accountability often go hand in hand.
Years ago, when I was early in my teaching career, I took a group of high school students on a trip to Washington, D.C. On the way home, I noticed that one student was holding a pillow that had the name of one of our hotels stamped on it. That might not have been an issue—except it was clearly from the place where we had stayed. Back in Texas, I gently confronted the student about the pillow, and she denied taking it. Given the circumstances, I felt it was important to inform her father. But when I called him, he responded, “I have to believe my daughter.” The next thing he said caught me even more off guard: “My daughter has never lied to me.” That moment stuck with me—not because I felt disrespected, but because it highlighted a challenge many parents face. One of the most important responsibilities we have is helping children take ownership of their actions. That includes allowing them to face consequences. When we avoid this, the long-term impact can be significant.
One of the most important tasks we have as parents is to teach children to learn to accept responsibility for their actions. And, this certainly includes making sure that they face the consequences of their mistakes. If we neglect this responsibility, the results can be disastrous.
Scripture offers a sobering example in 1 Kings 1, where David’s failure to confront his son Adonijah ultimately led to rebellion. Verse 6 notes, “David had never interfered with his son by asking, ‘Why do you behave as you do?’” The consequences of ignoring accountability can be serious.
Why do parents sometimes hesitate to confront their kids? In David’s case, perhaps he was too consumed by his role as king to invest in his son’s discipline. In the case of the father I knew, it may have been a case of sincere but misplaced trust. Over time, I came to realize that he had a very idealized view of his daughter. His naivety prevented her from facing the reality of her actions—and from learning through it.
We all want to believe in our kids and trust them to make the right choices. But are we unrealistic about them at times? Do you believe that your children have never lied to you? Do you tend to minimize their sins and avoid confrontation? If a problem arises between your child and someone else, do you immediately believe every aspect of your child’s side of the story? Are you overly concerned about your child always being treated fairly? It is indeed difficult for parents to find the balance between trusting their kids to do the right thing while at the same time remembering that they are, by nature, sinful and in need of training.
When Jesus sent his disciples into the world to preach in Matthew 10, he gave them some interesting advice. He instructed them, “Be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.” (Matthew 10:16) Our Lord knew that his followers were going to have contact with a lot of different people so he encouraged them to trust people and believe the best of them (being innocent as doves). However, at the same time, Jesus wanted the disciples to be careful as they certainly would come across individuals who would not be trustworthy. He did not want the disciples to be naïve in dealing with dishonest people (being shrewd as snakes). I have often thought that Jesus’ advice is good for all of us as believers as we live in a fallen world. That especially includes the roles we have as parents.
Are you a snake or a dove when it comes to dealing with your kids? If you lean toward being a snake, it means you are too suspicious and do not trust your kids to make wise decisions. Snakes can also be a bit overprotective and critical. You tend to think the worst and do not show them that you believe in their abilities to do the right thing as they get older. If you lean toward being a dove, it means that you are way too trusting of your kids. You do not even consider the possibility that your child is embellishing a story or even lying to avoid getting into trouble. Doves naively think their kids always tell the absolute truth even if the facts don’t seem to add up or even if their side of a story directly conflicts with the word of a responsible adult.
I have worked with hundreds of great Christian kids in my career and yet even among the very best kids I have ever known I have found the following things to be consistently true:
All kids make mistakes and sin. And even the strongest Christian kids I have known will most likely lie (initially) about their sin when confronted. And if they can’t or don’t lie, they will try to minimize the situation to lessen the consequences. (Ex. “Everyone else was doing it.” or “This was the first time I ever did this.” or “I didn’t know it was wrong.”) Does this mean that all kids are deceitful and manipulative? No, it just means that they are sinners like the rest of us and need to be confronted with their mistakes and face absolute consequences.
Let us remember that Jesus said we are to be shrewd as snakes and innocent as doves. As is so true in much of the Christian life, our Lord is calling for us to have balance as parents. In other words, we should always strive to believe in the best of our kids and be willing to trust them to do the right thing. At the same time, let’s not be foolish and let them manipulate us into being blind to the fact that they are sinners and need to be disciplined from time to time.
My experience has also taught me that if parents are vigilant about confronting sin when their children are young, it makes life a lot easier when they are teenagers. If you lean a bit more toward being a snake when they are little, it usually allows you to be more of a dove when they are older.
When I was a teenager, my parents trusted me when I was out at night with my friends. Looking back now, I realize they did this because they had instilled in me many years before that there would be definite consequences for my mistakes.
So, let’s all strive to be snakes as well as doves when it comes to our kids. God has given us wonderfully sweet children, but they are still sinners. They need our correction – it is one of the most powerful ways we can express our love as parents.
A native of Dallas, Dr. Glenn Slater has over 40 years of experience in Christian education, first serving as a history teacher and later Headmaster of Greenville Christian School in Greenville, Texas. After 21 years, Dr. Slater and his family faithfully followed God’s calling to serve for 13 years as the Head Administrator of Maryville Christian School in Maryville, Tennessee. In 2015, Dr. Slater returned to Texas to assume his current position as Head Administrator here at Covenant.
Dr. Slater holds three degrees from Texas A&M University – Commerce: a bachelor’s degree in history and political science, a masters degree in history, and a masters degree in Educational Administration. In addition, he holds a doctorate degree in history from the University of Tennessee.
During his career, Dr. Slater has also taught history at six separate universities. He holds a Lifetime Certification in teaching and in administration with the Association of Christian Schools International (ASCI).